’Swishy’ Daddy

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I want to share a story with you about a coffee date I had 8 or 9 years ago. It was while I was in grad school (also known as seminary) and in the early days of developing my shame workshop.

A person and I met up on a gay male hookup site called “Daddy Hunt” and our first meeting was at a coffee shop in Oakland. For more context, the person I was meeting identified as a queer transman (Female-to-Male).

We met, chatted over coffee for a while and seemed to be getting on okay. I then excused myself to the restroom – coffee tends to do that to me. When I returned to the table and sat down, my coffee date made an unexpected comment: “you’re much ‘swishier’ than I expected.”

I chuckled and said “You’re right, I am!” I went on to comment that my online pictures at that time could have given the impression I was more ‘butch’ than actually am in my everyday persona.

If this has happened five or so years earlier, my reaction would have been very different. I would have probably been offended because I would have felt a huge bout of shame regarding my ‘lack of butchness’ and the coffee date would have ended a disaster.

When I shared this story at a “Sex and Shame” workshop I attended in Las Vegas this past February, there was an audible gasp by some of the fellow attendees, as well as the presenter when I regaled the aforementioned comment about my ‘swishiness’. I reassured them I was not offended and it was actually a testament to the work I’ve done one myself regarding my shame surrounding my gender presentation.

Being comfortable with my mannerisms, accepting the way I talk and move through the world each day is freeing. I don’t feel self-conscious about my ‘swishiness’ and this allows me to be more authentic with myself and others.

About Rev. Daniel Borysewicz

Rev. Daniel Borysewicz is a progressive chaplain and spiritual leader seeking radical inclusion for all people; regardless of race, nationality, sexual or gender identity, or socio-economic class. Daniel works to provide solutions for problems that individuals have difficulty dealing with; shame and internalized homophobia and transphobia are some examples, and assists in connecting people with others for mutual benefit. Social justice is also an important part of his work. Daniel graduated from Pacific School of Religion, May 2013 with a MDiv and Certificate in Sexuality and Religion and is currently working as a Hospice Chaplain in Walnut Creek and an Assistant Night Minister in San Francisco.

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