Dear shame,

You have been with me for most of my life. I first started recognizing you when I was a young queer teen living in upstate New York. I’d like to ask you a few questions about how you have impacted my life and find out why you caused me distress, spiritual struggles, and feelings of inadequacy and shame. And I would appreciate you answering them honestly.

Shame: Okay Daniel, what are your questions?

Daniel: why did I carry a feeling of inadequacy for much of my life after my step-brother said to me: “someone like you can’t ask her out to the movies” when I was only asking her if she was planning to go see the movie?

Shame: because he liked her, and he felt threatened by you. Also, because you were feeling shame for being different than the other boys.

Daniel: why was it so hard for me to fit in as a teenage boy and then as a man?

Shame: because you were a homosexual, an abomination in the eyes of God and man, and you were not normal. Also, because you were a fat sissy.

Daniel: why did I feel shame about my naked, overweight body?

Shame: because our society only views fit or muscular people who don’t wear glasses as attractive.

Daniel: why did I feel anger towards an effeminate man who was about the same age as me?

Shame: because you were angry with your own gender presentation – your own ‘swishiness’. You were feeling me because you are a nelly faggot.

Daniel: why was I afraid to live as a swishy and somewhat effeminate boy and man?

Shame: because the cultural standard of how a man “behaves” is masculine and strong. You know: “boys, don’t cry.”

Daniel: why was it so difficult for me to get the courage to ask out individuals that I felt an attraction?

Shame: because I told you that you were fat, unattractive, and not worthy of their attention.

Daniel: why couldn’t I go shirtless in my own pool when I had folks over for pool parties?

Shame: because you were fat, and you did not want anyone to see your shameful body.

Daniel: why was it so hard for me to embrace or share with others about my sexual and kinky desires?

Shame: because I kept reminding you that perverts and abominations like you have no place in a heteronormative society and are only deserving of self-hate.

Daniel: why did you constantly tell me that I was not deserving of love and respect?

Shame: because you were not worthy to receive love or respect because you saw yourself as a fat, nelly, gay man who did not deserve love or respect.  

Wow Shame! Thank you for being honest. I have done a lot of work on myself over these many years and the things you told me back then no longer have the same power over me. I want to let you know how I have changed.

Regarding what my step-brother said: I recognize that he was projecting his own insecurities and I perceived he was gay shaming me because of my feelings of shame about my queerness.

I didn’t ‘fit in’ as a man in a heteronormative world because I am queer. I have learned that being vulnerable and in touch with my emotions is a strength and NOT a weakness. It takes much more courage to be man who is in touch with his feelings. My feelings help connect me to my true self.

Regarding being “an abomination”: I am a queer cisgender man who is desired by God because I love and accept who I am fully. The queerness of creation and those living in it represent the divine nature in each of us. Heteronormativity creates fear towards those who are non-heteronormative. And Shame, here is where you are used for perpetuating these archaic binary notions of sexual and gender expressions.

I have learned that all bodies are beautiful. My body is sacred and beautiful. Sonya Renee Taylor says that “body shame [is] a tool of White supremacist, capitalist patriarchy.”[1] I have learned to reject the body standards of the heteronormative society.

Embracing my own ‘swishiness’ has helped me to live truer to who I am as I move through the world. By embracing my true nature, I no longer feel anger towards those whose mannerisms and behaviors are similar to my own non-heteronormative nature. Also Shame, I am PROUD to be a ‘nelly faggot’ today.  

I have learned through self-reflection, therapy, and meditation that I deserve love and affection. I no longer feel fear of rejection when I want to engage with folks I feel an attraction towards. Shame, I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea and their “no” does not diminish my own desirability. I also no longer have the fear of abandonment that used to work in concert with you to keep me from my desires.

I know now that I am a SEXY HUMAN and can go swimming without a shirt today. As I mentioned above, I have learned from others the importance of rejecting the body standards of a society.

I must tell you Shame, it has been a long journey to fully embrace my sexual and kinky desires. Societal pressures of assimilation and maintaining heteronormativity were tools you used, along with heteronormativity to keep me from being comfortable embracing my sexual and kinky desires. I have learned that the sexual phobias of the few affect the sexual freedom of the many. I have also learned that many of my desires of common amongst most of the population. So what is NORMAL?

Shame, I am worthy to receive and give love. I no longer see myself as the shame-filled abomination I once did. I recognized the difficulties I faced regarding you were mostly due to what others told me throughout my life. You have told me many things to keep me from my desires and love….

You told me I was too fat, and I listened…

You told me I was too nelly, and I listened…

You told me I wasn’t worthy of love, and I listened…

Shame, I am no longer listening, and you no longer have power over me as you once did. My sexual and kinky desires are not chosen, they’re intrinsic to who I am. My divine nature empowers me to embrace my true self, without feelings of shame or sin.

Shame, I bid you adieu. I will be keeping a watchful eye out for your influences in the future.

Yours truly,

Daniel

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[1] Taylor, Sonya Rene. (2021). The Body Is Not an Apology. pg. xi. Berrett-Koehler.